I would read articles or hear news reports periodically on news sites or at the gym or on some tv station somewhere that documented some horrendous event that happened to an unsuspected or undeserving victim. The horrors in 3rd world countries got to me, as did the stories of mommies killing or abusing their children. The heartbreaking stories of female genital mutilation broke my heart for those little girls. The human trafficking of young girls to be sex slaves, raped, spit on, abused, and often times killed at the hands of their "owners" made me sick to my stomach. The poor children who's skulls where bashed in by a hammer wielded by the mother who "loved" them.
As a Christian, I would cry out WHY GOD??? And many times just my own little prayer: oh God, oh God, oh God, like I was calling his attention to the matter. So I started believing: Oh God! Oh God - save these girls!!! You love them! Fix this! Oh God, you know this isn't right: make a change ...
But I was calling out in vain. I began realizing that either I worshipped a dead God, or a God that could not make large meaningful changes, or a God that would not make large meaningful changes (like culture-wide changes where these girls are saved from these grave injustices). It all came down to this: http://www.unc.edu/~megw/Evil.html
The question of evil. I realized that my answer was not sufficient for the evil I saw all around me. I realized that I could NOT look those little girls in the eye, those girls who had suffered and were only a shell of a human being, and tell them that God loves them. Because I no longer believed it.
Furthermore, I decided that if there WAS a God who COULD have stopped these injustices but didn't, I actually wanted nothing to do with him. I could not imagine a person/being/deity that heartless and evil. It was a huge thing to admit, but it allowed me to breathe freely. I actually was able to say: NO to the idea of a God who could fix these horrible injustices but who chose not to. I was able to say not only do I not believe, I don't want to. That was a big step.
Don't get me wrong. I still want to believe in the all-loving, all-wonderful, all-perfect, all-good God/Jesus that is presented to me by many Christians. I just can't reconcile him with the God of the Bible and the evil present on this Earth.
This was short but by far my biggest realization along this journey. It is easy to sit in our comfy couches on our expensive laptops with our full bellies and cheap wine and say: Well, God is in control and his love is perfect. But when it comes to the nitty gritty, horrible, hungry, war-torn countries and the atrocities that are committed, we cannot hold those dying, bloodied between the legs little 2 yr olds and tell them that God loves them. Again and for the last time I call bullshit.